Recipe for Being a Woman
You will need:
- The required sexual organs: see page 3 of the accompanying beauty manual for details
- A slender, yet shapely form: any curves must be positioned in the correct places, long legs are preferable
- Beauty: a pretty face: Suggestions include: a small pixie like nose, rosebud lips, large eyes under shapely brows, delicate jawline. It is vital for a woman to be beautiful. Turn to page 50 for further details on female facial mathematics
- Long, straight hair: curly or wavy hair is acceptable if styled in the correct manner and kept under control. See page 12 for tips on Hair Care products
- Immaculate nails
- Smooth, spotless, hairless skin
- An avid interest in all things feminine: this includes shopping, makeup, beauty/gossip magazines, hair, fashion, men
- A simple smile and an easy yet elegant laugh. Apply to social situations: women need not be witty or interesting, neither do they need to make jokes. It is the man’s job to make the woman laugh
- A boyfriend/partner/husband: only they can truly provide you with the assertion that you are beautiful, and henceforth, complete your womanhood
- Measure the organs, skin, form and facial features into a bowl and stir together to form a dough. The dough should be firm yet pliable, once she is fully baked. It is important for her to be strong yet submissive if she hopes to fulfil the role that is required of her.
- Roll the dough out on a wide, flat surface and sprinkle with a light dusting of beauty. Fold the dough in half and knead it, making sure that all the beauty is contained. Beauty is a woman’s most powerful asset and must, under no circumstances, be wasted. Leave for 15 minutes to allow the beauty to properly seep into the pores of the skin and to shape the facial and bodily features.
- Stir together the feminine interests in a separate bowl for approximately 5 minutes, until they form a soft, pink paste. If the mixture is too thick, add a couple of drops of materialism. If you do not have a bottle handy, a simple few sprays of superficiality will do the job just as well.
- Preheat the oven to 280 degrees and roll out onto a wide baking tin until it is completely flat. It is important to roll the dough out as smoothly as possible in order to ensure that the curves rise in all the correct places (i.e. at the top and bottom of the torso, to form a shapely hourglass figure. You may try feeding it through an hourglass if necessary). Excess of flab must be avoided at all costs. A woman must never be ‘‘lumpy.’’
- Glaze the dough with a few strokes of an airbrush and bake in the top oven for approximately 30 minutes, until the woman is golden.
- Meanwhile, remove the boyfriend/partner/husband from his packet and leave him to defrost on a plate whilst the woman is in the oven.
- Prepare the strands of hair in a glass container. Stir them together until the mixture is smooth and forms a glossy swirl. Combine with your choice of peroxide (optional).
- Wash and polish the nails one by one until they are sleek and shiny, making sure to remove any sign of dirt or stain. Allow each one 10 seconds to dry before trimming and filing, creating an even curve across the top of each nail. Use nail varnish to apply a French manicure.
- When ready, remove the woman from the oven. Her skin should be clear and peachy, her features should be elegant and refined. She is attentive to your needs, so she should cool down instantly. Slice her in half with a breadknife, and, having made sure the bread is soft and spongy, smother her insides with the feminine interests mixture.
- Put the two slices back together, apply makeup to the face, and nails to the fingers. Take the swirl of hair and attach it carefully to the back of the woman’s head, so it cascades down her back like a wave. Place together with the defrosted boyfriend, and consume.
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Editor / PR Consultant at No Bounds
Rishma Dhaliwal has extensive experience studying and working in the music and media industry. Having written a thesis on how Hip Hop acts as a social movement, she has spent years researching and connecting with artists who use the art form as a tool for bringing a voice to the voiceless. Currently working in TV, Rishma brings her PR and media knowledge to I am Hip Hop and other projects by No Bounds.
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