Poetry: ‘Recipe For Being A Woman’ by @HermioneCamer1

Recipe for Being a Woman

You will need:

• The required sexu­al organs: see page 3 of the accom­pa­ny­ing beauty manu­al for details
• A slender, yet shapely form: any curves must be posi­tioned in the cor­rect places, long legs are prefer­able
• Beauty: a pretty face: Sug­ges­tions include: a small pix­ie like nose, rose­bud lips, large eyes under shapely brows, del­ic­ate jawline. It is vital for a woman to be beau­ti­ful. Turn to page 50 for fur­ther details on female facial math­em­at­ics
• Long, straight hair: curly or wavy hair is accept­able if styled in the cor­rect man­ner and kept under con­trol. See page 12 for tips on Hair Care products
• Immacu­late nails
• Smooth, spot­less, hair­less skin
• Makeup
• An avid interest in all things fem­in­ine: this includes shop­ping, makeup, beauty/gossip magazines, hair, fash­ion, men
• A simple smile and an easy yet eleg­ant laugh. Apply to social situ­ations: women need not be witty or inter­est­ing, neither do they need to make jokes. It is the man’s job to make the woman laugh
• A boyfriend/partner/husband: only they can truly provide you with the asser­tion that you are beau­ti­ful, and hence­forth, com­plete your woman­hood

1. Meas­ure the organs, skin, form and facial fea­tures into a bowl and stir togeth­er to form a dough. The dough should be firm yet pli­able, once she is fully baked. It is import­ant for her to be strong yet sub­missive if she hopes to ful­fil the role that is required of her.
2. Roll the dough out on a wide, flat sur­face and sprinkle with a light dust­ing of beauty. Fold the dough in half and knead it, mak­ing sure that all the beauty is con­tained. Beauty is a woman’s most power­ful asset and must, under no cir­cum­stances, be wasted. Leave for 15 minutes to allow the beauty to prop­erly seep into the pores of the skin and to shape the facial and bod­ily fea­tures.
3. Stir togeth­er the fem­in­ine interests in a sep­ar­ate bowl for approx­im­ately 5 minutes, until they form a soft, pink paste. If the mix­ture is too thick, add a couple of drops of mater­i­al­ism. If you do not have a bottle handy, a simple few sprays of super­fi­ci­al­ity will do the job just as well.
4. Pre­heat the oven to 280 degrees and roll out onto a wide bak­ing tin until it is com­pletely flat. It is import­ant to roll the dough out as smoothly as pos­sible in order to ensure that the curves rise in all the cor­rect places (i.e. at the top and bot­tom of the torso, to form a shapely hour­glass fig­ure. You may try feed­ing it through an hour­glass if neces­sary). Excess of flab must be avoided at all costs. A woman must nev­er be ‘‘lumpy.’’
5. Glaze the dough with a few strokes of an air­brush and bake in the top oven for approx­im­ately 30 minutes, until the woman is golden.
6. Mean­while, remove the boyfriend/partner/husband from his pack­et and leave him to defrost on a plate whilst the woman is in the oven.
7. Pre­pare the strands of hair in a glass con­tain­er. Stir them togeth­er until the mix­ture is smooth and forms a glossy swirl. Com­bine with your choice of per­ox­ide (option­al).
8. Wash and pol­ish the nails one by one until they are sleek and shiny, mak­ing sure to remove any sign of dirt or stain. Allow each one 10 seconds to dry before trim­ming and fil­ing, cre­at­ing an even curve across the top of each nail. Use nail var­nish to apply a French man­i­cure.
9. When ready, remove the woman from the oven. Her skin should be clear and peachy, her fea­tures should be eleg­ant and refined. She is attent­ive to your needs, so she should cool down instantly. Slice her in half with a breadknife, and, hav­ing made sure the bread is soft and spongy, smoth­er her insides with the fem­in­ine interests mix­ture.
10. Put the two slices back togeth­er, apply makeup to the face, and nails to the fin­gers. Take the swirl of hair and attach it care­fully to the back of the woman’s head, so it cas­cades down her back like a wave. Place togeth­er with the defros­ted boy­friend, and con­sume.

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Rishma Dhaliwal

Edit­or / PR Con­sult­ant at No Bounds

Rishma Dhali­w­al has extens­ive exper­i­ence study­ing and work­ing in the music and media industry. Hav­ing writ­ten a thes­is on how Hip Hop acts as a social move­ment, she has spent years research­ing and con­nect­ing with artists who use the art form as a tool for bring­ing a voice to the voice­less. Cur­rently work­ing in TV, Rishma brings her PR and media know­ledge to I am Hip Hop and oth­er pro­jects by No Bounds.

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