Going through changes

In the past 12months, I have spent 9 months in hos­pit­al. From 9 months in hos­pit­al I have had to leave my lovely flat in a lovely area, to liv­ing in sup­por­ted accom­mod­a­tion in a less luc­rat­ive area with no job or career. How did it come to this? From writer to ther­ap­ist, a 1st class degree, a mas­ters with dis­tinc­tion. Oh how the mighty have fallen. I climb up, I fall down. I climb up, I fall down… This is tir­ing. Do I have the strength one more time? It’s exhaust­ing. I’m one mil­li­meter from giv­ing up. But some­how I do have that mil­li­meter. And I’ve had a num­ber of little fights too. Some­times I win, some­times I lose. Without the losses, I would­n’t be able to con­trast the suc­cesses and recog­nise that it is pos­sible to get up again.

‘I’m going through changes’, by Eminem, helped me see that change is pos­sible. My bipolar dia­gnos­is, a men­tal health dis­order, has been helped through people who have pos­it­ively had an impact on my life along with look­ing to the pos­sib­il­it­ies of the future. Equally, my sub­stance dis­order has changed dra­mat­ic­ally partly due to the change in my envir­on­ment. The dark­ness of my pre­vi­ous flat could have killed me. Quite lit­er­ally. That change is about life and death issues. I ended up vir­tu­ally touch­ing fatal­ity.

That is why the title of this column cen­ters on change. Why do I act like I’m high and mighty when inside I’m dying I’m finally real­ising I need help, can­’t do it myself.

I’m hat­ing my reflec­tion I’m walk­ing round the house try­ing to fight mir­rors, I can­’t stand what I look like.’ (Eminem). This res­on­ates with me on a big scale. Even changes in my bod­ily struc­ture cause upset.

My move to a new home recently is one of the biggest and best changes I have under­gone. It hurt, badly, to give up my flat. My flat was all I knew. Little did I real­ise that I was dying there, little by little, day by day. The change has made an impact, on my drug use, on my mood, and more clearly now, I can hear the music again, break­ing through the dark­ness, like the sun start­ing to pierce through the over­cast sky.

The one thing that has stayed with me is what renowned neur­o­lo­gist, Oliv­er Sacks, calls Musi­co­phil­ia. Music in his view is not a bio­lo­gic­al need yet it’s potency holds no grounds. We have a great­er capa­city for music than just words alone. And music has kept me going even from child­hood. In my memor­ies of the past it was always there for me. My lifelong rela­tion­ship. One that accom­pan­ied me through my changes over the years.

Neces­sary losses, a book I read by Judith Viorst indic­ates the changes we make as we grow through the years, and loss is not just grief. ‘The loves, Illu­sions, Depend­en­cies, and Impossible Expect­a­tions That All Of Us Have to Give up in Order to Grow ‘. We change through oth­er events in our life.
Yes bereave­ment, but also ends of rela­tion­ships, child­hood, and so on.

My new envir­on­ment has offered me the chance I need to change. It has offered me a fresh start. And I thank every­one in my life for help­ing me. But it is also fright­en­ing as change so often does. “But as she has grown, her smile has widened with a touch of fear and her glance has taken on depth. Now she is aware of some of the losses you incur by being here — the extraordin­ary rent you have to pay as long as you stay” (Annie Dillard). Now I start from a new begin­ning. If I had stayed I would have paid an awful price.

They say a leo­pard nev­er changes it’s spots. I think that they’re wrong. What has happened to me, through the years , has facil­it­ated change. I nev­er thought I would recov­er but though I have miles to go, it’s hap­pen­ing, and that gives me hope. A life without hope is not a life at all.

“Things change, and that’s the way it is ” (2pac)

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Kate Taylor

Kate Taylor

Kate Taylor is a Lon­don based writer whose Interests are based primar­ily on music and art and also the philo­sophies and polit­ics that accom­pany them. In addi­tion she has an Msc in psy­cho­logy, has worked as a ther­ap­ist, and paints abstract art pieces.

About Kate Taylor

Kate Taylor
Kate Taylor is a London based writer whose Interests are based primarily on music and art and also the philosophies and politics that accompany them. In addition she has an Msc in psychology, has worked as a therapist, and paints abstract art pieces.