NOT FRAGILE LIKE A FLOWER, FRAGILE LIKE A BOMB | ‘CHANGES’ BY KATE TAYLOR

Going through changes

In the past 12months, I have spent 9 months in hos­pit­al. From 9 months in hos­pit­al I have had to leave my lovely flat in a lovely area, to liv­ing in sup­por­ted accom­mod­a­tion in a less luc­rat­ive area with no job or career. How did it come to this? From writer to ther­ap­ist, a 1^st class degree, a mas­ters with dis­tinc­tion. Oh how the mighty have fallen. I climb up, I fall down. I climb up, I fall down… This is tir­ing. Do I have the strength one more time? It’s exhaust­ing. I’m one mil­li­meter from giv­ing up. But some­how I do have that mil­li­meter. And I’ve had a num­ber of little fights too. Some­times I win, some­times I lose. Without the losses, I would­n’t be able to con­trast the suc­cesses and recog­nise that it is pos­sible to get up again.

‘I’m going through changes’, by Eminem, helped me see that change is pos­sible. My bipolar dia­gnos­is, a men­tal health dis­order, has been helped through people who have pos­it­ively had an impact on my life along with look­ing to the pos­sib­il­it­ies of the future. Equally, my sub­stance dis­order has changed dra­mat­ic­ally partly due to the change in my envir­on­ment. The dark­ness of my pre­vi­ous flat could have killed me. Quite lit­er­ally. That change is about life and death issues. I ended up vir­tu­ally touch­ing fatality.

That is why the title of this column cen­ters on change. Why do I act like I’m high and mighty when inside I’m dying I’m finally real­ising I need help, can­’t do it myself.

I’m hat­ing my reflec­tion I’m walk­ing round the house try­ing to fight mir­rors, I can­’t stand what I look like.’ (Eminem). This res­on­ates with me on a big scale. Even changes in my bod­ily struc­ture cause upset.

My move to a new home recently is one of the biggest and best changes I have under­gone. It hurt, badly, to give up my flat. My flat was all I knew. Little did I real­ise that I was dying there, little by little, day by day. The change has made an impact, on my drug use, on my mood, and more clearly now, I can hear the music again, break­ing through the dark­ness, like the sun start­ing to pierce through the over­cast sky.

The one thing that has stayed with me is what renowned neur­o­lo­gist, Oliv­er Sacks, calls Musi­co­phil­ia. Music in his view is not a bio­lo­gic­al need yet it’s potency holds no grounds. We have a great­er capa­city for music than just words alone. And music has kept me going even from child­hood. In my memor­ies of the past it was always there for me. My lifelong rela­tion­ship. One that accom­pan­ied me through my changes over the years.

Neces­sary losses, a book I read by Judith Viorst indic­ates the changes we make as we grow through the years, and loss is not just grief. ‘The loves, Illu­sions, Depend­en­cies, and Impossible Expect­a­tions That All Of Us Have to Give up in Order to Grow ‘. We change through oth­er events in our life.
Yes bereave­ment, but also ends of rela­tion­ships, child­hood, and so on.

My new envir­on­ment has offered me the chance I need to change. It has offered me a fresh start. And I thank every­one in my life for help­ing me. But it is also fright­en­ing as change so often does. “But as she has grown, her smile has widened with a touch of fear and her glance has taken on depth. Now she is aware of some of the losses you incur by being here — the extraordin­ary rent you have to pay as long as you stay” (Annie Dillard). Now I start from a new begin­ning. If I had stayed I would have paid an awful price.

They say a leo­pard nev­er changes it’s spots. I think that they’re wrong. What has happened to me, through the years , has facil­it­ated change. I nev­er thought I would recov­er but though I have miles to go, it’s hap­pen­ing, and that gives me hope. A life without hope is not a life at all.

“Things change, and that’s the way it is ” (2pac)