Written after my first treatment for addiction in 2003
THE BURNING FLAME
She didn’t really mean any harm,
She was just protecting her pain
Her arms were wrapped tightly around
To shelter the Burning Flame,
The flame she felt she had to hide
To prevent the exposure of shame
She treated the people around her like dirt,
Especially those that tried to reach her
But her need to be loved was less than her need not to hurt
And so she endeavored not to let anyone in
She succeeded and felt victorious
It was only now she knew that she never did win
There was the odd straggler, the odd stray
That she connected with briefly,
That she picked up along the way
But only as long as the chemicals were there
Beyond that, she never could stay
And she treated others badly, in truth, like shit
She went to them to feel normal
Because she needed to be fixed
But she drew them closer, she pulled them in
Then shoved them out, as the walls went down within
Like shutters, they would sharply slam
She ran hot, she ran cold, then she ran
She despised herself for the games and the lies
But she needed that contact
To tell her she was alive
She lived in denial
Believing it would be different this time
And every time she left before she was fully revealed
Was another notch to the loneliness that would not heal
She knew that each time she hardened her heart to stone
She was one step closer to being truly alone
She envied the persistence of rain,
It never went away
But she on the other hand, found it difficult to remain
Anywhere that she might give too much away
The only thing persistent in her, was the persistence of shame
So I suppose what she wants to say
Is that though she ran, it was better that way
You could not have her
She was never really here
She was ruled then, not by love, but fear
Fear is the pounding under her skin
It is the walls erected deep within
It is the constant pumping of adrenaline
Now for her, there is nothing left to hear
Except the hush of silence
And the piercing sound of fear.
Kate Taylor